I need a way to categorize my thoughts:
1. The internet is a blessing and a curse. Thanks to strong online communities and too much time spend reading and observing and not enough time focusing my attention on my life materializes with me being really touchy about sexism, homophobia, SEXISM. I want a balance. I want to be a bro, but I don’t want to feel like I’m compromising my gender. I want to not worry about this because I was doing fine when I could just be myself and not freak out about other people offending other people. Maybe if people were less offensive this would change. Ironically, wanting equality this badly makes it really hard to work with ignorant people. Wishes for cohesion lead to lack of cohesion. How foolish. There must be a better way.
2. I want to paint with watercolors. I want to inhale oxygen and feed off of plants. I want to never eat American cheese again, and I want to drink copious amounts of caffeinated beverages because it’s the closest I can get to using drugs while being comfortable.
3. I wish I had more than an hour per day for photo class. I’m making a book right now about capturing images of people you love, and today I spent my hour searching through my old stash of to do lists and sketches and notes that I took about everything when I was younger and cooler and more of myself. I also made a blackout poem for the front cover.
4. I need to know how to study. I think I need the library. No internet, although I have a deadly addiction to being “connected” to people. Although this really only makes me strive for personal/valid connection that is so often lacking, so it’s unproductive in all sorts of ways. If I only cleaned my room… perhaps I will do that tonight. I miss having a sanctuary. I am not grounded; rather, I’m very homeless in my own home, and the lack of feng shui is getting to me.
5. Remember when I used to be superstitious? Devoted to my own astrology? I have a hard time being motivated by it, which is normal for normal people, but odd for me, and I want the forces of the universe to harness me and this is starting to sound loopy.
THINGS I’VE BEEN DOING LATELY (because keeping track is important):
Going to Goodwill
Wearing my hair in a side braid…
…under my navy-blue & black wooly hat
Looking for an anorak
Wearing light brown leather shoes
Loving my boyfriend
Printing in the darkroom
Eating sushi & pho & citrus fruits
Facebook chatting with funny boys
Drinking copious amounts of Milkis
Listening to Sky Ferreira